My Brain the Bastard

My brain is an odd beast at the best of times, on the one hand it’s relatively intelligent, capable of a reasonable amount of problem solving prowess and it has a talent for remembering seemingly pointless facts and pieces of information, it’s also pretty decent at remembering what people like and makes gift buying a far more fun experience. It’s also a bit of a dick quite a lot of the time and I’m going to talk about that for a little bit.

To start with from time to time I get a bit obsessive about certain things, it could be a game, film or book or it could be something I’ve learned about, for example recent subjects have been the English civil war and the subsequent restoration, I’ve always liked learning new things. The end result is usually some internal reasoning of just one more, be it a chapter, level or article, and this continues indefinitely until I get to a point where I literally can’t stay awake anymore. And for reference I may or may not currently be slightly obsessed with Parks and Recreation and Taylor Swift, which is just bloody odd. Oh and cat videos, always cat videos.

Then there’s the constant anxiety of interacting with people that I’m not 100% comfortable with, this is something that is less of a big deal for me now though I still internally struggle with new people. Apparently I’m nowhere near as bad as I think I am but it’s something that’s a constant worry, i’m much better at masking it I guess though I’ve been told i’m too self deprecating. And that’s nothing compared to the crippling self doubt that manifests when I’m interested in someone and the overwhelming fear of rejection, despite the fact that I know I’m a relatively decent bloke, it’s a balance but on the plus side every now and then I actually surprise myself and actually take that risk.

Imagination is also a key component of my brain, it’s usually spurred by something that gets my brain going. Things like Mass Effect and How to Train Your Dragon get me thinking about what it would be like to live in their respective worlds, and as a result I devour anything related to them which from time to time does include fanfiction. In fact it’s in reading that the imagination really works as my mind forms a very vivid picture of what the words are trying to paint though this sometimes makes me a far harsher judge of things like movie adaptations, I Am Legend being a massive case in point in that I think the book is a classic and subverts its genre whereas the film is a brainless action film.

Then there’s the bouts of depression, I’ve touched on it previously so I won’t go into it too much but there are periods of time where I just feel massively down, there’s no reason or logic behind it and it usually passes after a little while though sometimes it does last longer. Usually my brains coping mechanism is isolation as much as possible and a film that gets me emotional, Lion King is a particular favourite though there’re a few. I’ve gotten particularly good at putting a front up when it does happen so that people don’t worry about me, people have enough to worry abut without me adding to it, though I do know that I’m not burdening anyone that cares about me. That said counselling has been good for me and something I know works.

My brain has a lot of good qualities some of which I’ve touched on earlier, it’s capable of learning a lot of obscure facts and a lot of other information and retains things that might seem trivial at the time but will come in useful at an unspecified future date which makes pub quizzes either glorious or annoying as hell. It’s capable of being incredibly thoughtful at times, I like to do nice things for people I care about just because I can, no ulterior motives. There’s an element of non linear problem solving which can be genuinely fascinating to be a passenger for as my brain works things out without my help, it’s fun to figure something out even if it’s the most complicated way of doing it. And it finds the most inappropriate things in the world funny at times while still at the same time being a massive fan of finding humour in people falling down.

With all that said I guess for better of worse it’s all these foibles that are the essence of what makes me who I am and for the most part I like the person I am, there’s work to be done (as there always should be) but there’s a decent base there. And this is the reason why everyone is so different, and why people are so fascinating, and frustrating. There are a lot of people in my life where it’s been a genuine privilege to get to know.

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