My brain on depression – insight into my dickhead brain

I’ve touched on my depression before and gone into how it hits me but as I’m experiencing a bout of it at the moment I thought I’d go into a bit more detail of what’s going on in my head currently. It’s been novel this time as I’ve had the usual stuff going on in my brain with the added “bonus” of some new shite to deal with. I’m not sure why it’s come on now but suspect it’s possibly due to an insanely busy last few months and actually being able to slow down a little recently and take stock of things to a certain extent.

Lack of enthusiasm: Depression tends to rob me of any excitement to do anything or see anyone. There’s an element of this which is needed as a little solitude is good but there is an element of fighting the urge that is needed as I find it super easy to cut myself off from people which is less than ideal. I also have an incredibly short attention span and struggle to focus on things as a result. I therefore try to make sure I see people where I’m able and to just make myself do thing that I can break down to small chunks such as watching cartoons.

Excessive tiredness: Whenever I’m struggling I get more tired than I normally am, I have no get up and go and just generally want to curl up into a ball and do nothing but watch stuff on TV. There is an upside to this in that I tend to sleep better than I normally would. The downside is I just want to sleep during the day and I can’t do that as it completely fucks up my sleep pattern and means I won’t sleep at night so essentially have to ignore that urge.

Lack of appetite: This doesn’t tend to be regular, sometimes it’ll happen and sometimes it won’t. As an example today I’ve had a bowl of noodles and even that was a struggle and not really hungry currently, though I will make sure to eat something else. It’s a combination of not being hungry and just not being arsed about being anything which I recognise as not being healthy which is why I try to make sure I’m eating and drinking semi normally.

Anxiety and self doubt: This is an absolute delight as you’d expect. While I would never say I’m happy with myself I am satisfied for the most part with the person I try t be. This all goes out the window when depression rears it’s head. i tend to think i’m a terrible person and that I’m a shit friend which sucks severely. I also tend to feel hugely lonely and second guess the lack of a relationship, even though from a purely logical standpoint I know that I’m better off on my own than in a toxic relationship.

Increased anger and frustration: This is a knock on effect from the inability to focus on things, I tend to get angry and frustrated at myself. What I have gotten better at is keeping that internalised as much as possible so that I don’t take it out on other people as I’m hyper aware that I’ve been a shitbag to people in the past with no reason for it, and frankly I could do without adding guilt to everything else.

Thoughts of self harm: This is a little dark though thankfully nowhere near as badas it has been in the past or could be realistically. I’ll frequently have thoughts about cutting myself when I’m depressed, I’ve done this many years ago but thankfully it’s never gotten to that point again. There’s also always the thought of how easy it would be to kill myself, now to be clear there’s never been any desire on my part to go down that route and if there ever was I’d know that I’d need to see someone straight away. It’s more a weird part of my brain that just points out things like running my car into a tree or something, and as I’ve said in the past my brain is a twat.

Resentment of people I care about: Now this is new but with this onset I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling resentful of certain people. These are people who I care deeply for and who have done absolutely nothing wrong therefore I at least recognise that it’s in my mind rather than dwelling on it and potentially sabotaging relationships with people who I definitely don’t want lose from my life. It’s just a very odd feeling to have this gut reaction I have the essentially then talk myself down from.

So overall my experience of depression is wank but realistically it could be a hell of a lot worse, as for the most part I know what’s going on and that it should fuck off after a period of time and I can get back to what passes for normal for me. i know that when it’s going on that watching certain films, playing certain games and reading certain things helps.Also that the company of my close friends is helpful as I’m very lucky to have some incredibly close friends who care about me and look out for me where they can, even if things aren’t going great and I’m a prick to deal with. I also know to monitor myself and how I’m feeling, if things don’t improve after a period of time or get worse then I know that that’s the time to reach out and see someone. The fact that I know myself well enough for that is reassuring as hell.

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